Grateful Receiving

Today I am enjoying a lazy afternoon (those do exist?) before I begin my adventure. Like most days, as I sit here listening to the cicadas, my thoughts often drift between three things, as the often do. God, people, and love. Cute, right? :P But oh, how I love thinking about all these three things. But not all thoughts on these topics are positive. In fact, many of them are not very pleasant. But all of them have a purpose.

When you work in a hospital, so see things that oftentimes you want to forget. And yet...you were glad you were there. I thought about the first patient I ever saw pass away....a sweet little old lady, calm and peaceful as the rhythm of the ventilator quietly inhaled and exhaled in the background. I remember her elderly husband saying 'no more'. He signed the papers. I helped take out her endotracheal tube, we shut off the ventilator, and we waited. Her family was quite distressed and though I did not understand it, was not too keen about being in the room with her as she passed away.

What most people don't know about death is that it often takes awhile. Though she took no breaths of her own after the ventilator was shut off, it became clear pretty quickly that she was going to hang on for a while. Seeing as we had other patients to attend to and this lady was in no way able to be aware of our presence in her room, we went about our cares for others (this is an unfortunate reality of a hospital). But even as I continued on, I found myself continuing to pass by her room, glancing at the monitors before going about my morning. I realized I couldn't just leave her. So, I put everything on hold to sit with her. And wait. No one should have to die alone, right? I held her hand, I stroked her cheek. I talked to her and sang under my breath even though I knew she couldn't hear me. Or could she? A little over an hour from when we first took her off of the ventilator, I watched her heart rate slowly decline until I heard the familiar persistent tone on the monitor. I took out my stethoscope. No heart rate. So quiet, so peaceful. Her husband and middle aged daughter, although they did not want to be present when the funeral home arrived, took a quiet walk into the hallway, slowly glanced in as they walked by, daughter's arms wrapped around her father. Eyes misty, she locked eyes with me as I still sat holding her mother's hand. A silent whisper escaped her lips. "Thank you".

No matter what I was feeling, no matter how my my heart was torn into pieces by being there, the daughter's two simple words made it all worth it. Thank you. I learned so much that day.

We must be grateful givers and grateful receivers in order to discover and truly emanate God's love. Although our need for independence & our own pride may get in the way, we need to remember that simple acts of kindness, no matter how small, are always needed. Gratitude is just as important as giving the gift. You can let other people take care of you. That's ok. The way I see it, they are God's own hands at work. We ARE His hands. Here's the secret- when someone is hurting, yes, it IS your responsibility to do whatever you can to help them. You can either call it an obligation, you can say it is needlessly making you feel guilty to imply this, you can back away in fear....or you can accept that what affects others is yours to deal with as well. Overwhelming? Yes. Can you likely solve all their problems? No. Don't let the daunting task scare you away. You CAN give them a small piece. And if your small piece is combined with others' small pieces, then we will get somewhere.

"When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her.

It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed"- Mother Teresa

 If you can't feed a whole village, feed one villager. I know my friends in Tanzania, despite having so little physically to offer, are going to teach me more than I can ever dream of. They think they are getting something from me (and they are- I mean, three suitcases & a Medi-pak full of medical supplies is to be quite honest more than most of them will ever see ever again in their lives), but in the end, I gain so much from them.

How to live, how to love.
How to show gratitude.
What poverty looks like.
What suffering looks like.
All of these experiences, happy & sad alike, are beautiful to me.
And I can't wait to share with you all.